The Messed up Mind of Katlyn
My journal of my messed up, yet boring life.

Wednesday, March 20, 2002

<Katlyn> Yes, that is what I am going to do. I am going to get skinny and tan like the Victoria's Secret models. Then I will be a happy person, and good things will happen. My chest isn't as big as theirs I don't think, but I guess you can't have everything. </Katlyn> <!--12:55 AM-->

<Katlyn> Self esteem=non existant, as usual. I know I shouldn't get worked up about things like this, but after it's happened so many times, it's hard not to. I don't really have anything goin for me right now, so I put too much weight on these sort of things. Grr. I think I will go on a diet again. I could use to lose another 5 or so, before prom at least. Maybe that will make me feel better. I could get a tan too. That's a lot of effort though. Hmm. It is a thought. </Katlyn> <!--12:52 AM-->

<Katlyn> "I only like you as a friend." I've heard this way too many times. Damn it, I am retarded. I am retarded, and I get my hopes up way too fast. You let the guy see your thong, and it all goes downhill! Yes, I am retarded. </Katlyn> <!--12:37 AM-->

<Katlyn> Actually, I'm not anymore. That was very short lived. </Katlyn> <!--12:35 AM-->

<Katlyn> Another day has passed, and I am happy to say that I am in a very good mood right now. </Katlyn> <!--12:11 AM-->

Monday, March 18, 2002

<Katlyn> My day sucked like no other...Last night I was babysitting for my neighbors, the Sweats (Melissa-9 months, Rachel-2 years, and Samantha-4 years) Thank goodness my friend Megan helped me, but at 6 she had to leave cause her cousin went into labor, I was nervous about havin the kids to myself, but I figured it'd be alright, and it was...and then I got a phone call from my mom...she's like "Katlyn...Bryan's here" and I got all excited cause I hadn't seen him in over a year and I've been in love with him for 3 years at least..seriously...but he has a girlfriend in madison right now :(
So yeah, Bryan stopped over to where I was babysitting and he looked soooo good , oh my goodness...but then Rachel ran off screaming cause apparently Bryan scared her (which i'm still trying to figure out, how anyone could be afraid of him) So, Bryan went back to my house and asked my mom if it was okay if he spent the night, and of course it was, cause my mom loves that guy and thinks we're gonna get married, etc

Meanwhile, I was tryin to figure out why the heck he just stopped by on surprise all the way from manitowoc...

I kept babysittin and the Melissa fell asleep and everything was good, the other two girls and I watched a movie...then the baby woke up screaming and I changed her diaper and all and she would only stop cryin if I held her and walked around the house...she'd cry as soon as I sat down *sigh* babies...
Of course, that was very frustrating..but after a bottle and 3 more diaper changes she was finally in a better mood and then their parents finally got home.
I went back to my house, after the girls all told me they loved me and didn't want me to leave *awww* and Bryan and I watched some tv and chatted.

We decided to sit in the spa for like an hour (seriously)...and yeah..that was nice. Very, very nice.
It took every ounce of my energy not to jump on top of the guy.

Jason called while we were in there, and I offered for him to come over a different night. I don't know what I was thinking. I should have had him come over anyways, but my mom didn't like the idea...she thought I was trying to get things together with Bryan...which is understandable, cause i'd like to. *sigh* I like Jason too, a lot, very, very much. But, I mean, I just met him. I've loved Bryan for 3 years. :( Plus, I get the idea that Jason just wants me for physical purposes..hmm, like that hasn't ever happened before. I hope i'm wrong on that. I really hope. He mentioned something earlier about not thinking a serious relationship would work out between us. It would be really good if he changed his mind though, and worked out. A just-physical thing would make be very happy, but I think I would regret it in the end. But for the purposes of this story...back to Bryan.

Bryan and I went back inside and watched "The Princess Diaries" on ppv till 3 in the morning...We layed on the floor, and watched it together, and of course, I still wanted to jump on top of him. This is where I have to give you some backround info

Yeah..okay, here's the backround story...

Bryan and I met at art camp before my sophmore year. We got to be good friends, and I liked him a lot, of course, from the beginning. He was my first slow dance ever, at the art camp dance thing *aww* We kept in touch after that, and he took me to Prom my sophmore year and it was a lot of fun.

This last year Bryan and I got to be really, really good friends. We talked to each other till late at night on the computer almost every night and we eventually talked to each other about why we had never pursued a relationship and all. We'd talk about sex on a regular basis, shared our curiosities and a whole lot of other stuff. We got very intimate and made a plan about the next time we saw each other we'd go for it (yeah..."it") Believe me, this was a very, very detailed plan. I'm not going to type the details, cause I really don't want to get that detailed... but anyways, everything was good, and the whole thing was very exciting...well, until he got his stupid girlfriend in Madison.

Lauren...yeah, she is psychotic bitch, and I hate her, mostly because I am convinced that Bryan and I are meant to be together...I mean, it's hard not to feel that way. My Mom has convinced herself that Bryan and I will get married and live happily ever after. I wish. Yeah, so maybe Lauren isn't psychotic, and maybe I don't hate her, but she sure does make me angry. Why can't things ever be easy for me???? yeah...*now back to the story*

So...we said goodnight...he took my sister's room to sleep in, and I went down to mine...really hoping that he'd still come down to my room as planned...I wanted to go upstairs so bad but I didn't know what would happen if I did. I swear, I really wanted this to happen. Really, really bad. *sigh* but yeah, it didn't. My virginity remains intact *sigh*

I ended up falling asleep, finally, but only for an hour or so. I woke up a half hour before he did and attempted to make myself look decent. My stupid hair was a mess as usual, and I didn't have time to take care of that. He woke up though, and we had a quet breakfast and watched some tv. Then he decided it was time to hit the road, and was going to go home instead of going to see Lauren *horray!* We hugged...and he left.

The rest of my day sucked very badly. I feel so worthless! I am worthless. Worthless and heartbroken. Very heartbroken. Why can't he just decide that he likes me again and then things will be good? Why can't things be easy? Ugh I suck. I suck, and I am worthless. </Katlyn> <!--9:54 PM-->

Saturday, March 16, 2002

<Katlyn> Hmm. I'm not sure if publishing this thing worked or not. We'll see.
I haven't even decided who i'm going to allow see this yet. I should figure that out... </Katlyn> <!--7:45 PM-->

<Katlyn> Wow. I think I did it. We'll see. I'm not great at this technical crap. Well, better than some, but not great at all.
Yep. I have nothing to do tonight, and i'm not happy about it at all. Cassie's in Myrtle Beach with her cheerleading thing, Mom's at Diane's stupid carving show, and all of my friends have found something else to do apparently. Jason is being a butthead and trying to make himself sound great and wonderful cause he has plans tonight. Good for him. Yeah, he's gorgeous...and yeah, i'd like to jump on top of him, but *sigh* yeah like every other guy I seem to like he's a butthead. I really want to hook up with Semrow but i'm not sure if that is going to happen in the near future or not. Him being in Myrtle right now isn't really helping things. Yeah...I felt super guilty last night when Nate and Brad were over, cause I can kinda tell Nate isn't quite over things yet..but yeah, that is not going to happen. Nothing is going to happen with that. I just can't do it. Yep. So that settles something, at least. Wow, i've made up my mind about something! It's a miracle! </Katlyn> <!--7:44 PM-->

<Katlyn> Well, this is the start of this page blog thing or whatever the heck it is. I'm not quite sure yet. Some chick on Makeupally was talking about it and I guess I need somewhere to put my thoughts, so I guess i'll do it here. It might be one of those things that I just do right now and then forget about it, but we'll see.

Ugh...spring break is sucking very badly. I really did nothing today. NOTHING. I just got outta the shower and it's 7:30 at night already. It's ridiculous. Not that there's anything else to do in this town, but still! *sigh*

Hmm..I'm going to try posting this mutha. </Katlyn> <!--7:39 PM-->


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